🔗 Share this article

For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It annoys my close ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.